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Health & Fitness

This Is A Blog: Hey, Politics. . .What the Hell??!!??

Seriously. What the hell.

I used to enjoy talking about politics. 

In college, I took a few government classes with this weird guy named John who constantly raised his hand and yelled things like “ANARCHY!!!!” without waiting to be called on, and once in awhile I’d slam my hands down on my desk indignantly and bellow something like “I OBJECT SIR! YOU ARE A CHARLATAN!” and there would invariably be a delightful uproar that ended in our grinning professor extolling the virtues of both questioning our government, and having faith in it.

I usually never had any idea what the hell I was talking about, but I felt like I did (sometimes). And it was ROWDY. And fun.

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Not anymore.

Lately, when anyone brings up politics, I cover my ears and shut my eyes and rock back and forth yelling “BACK DEVIL! BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!” until they go away.

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Why? Because talking about politics is about as fun as receiving a throat punch.  

However, a few days ago, my sister sent me a link to a story about Congressman Allen West. I don’t know why I read it. Probably because my sister, who is a nefarious Sorceress of Trickery, sent the link to me in an email with the subject, “Some of our FAVE movies!!” and, like the peasant that I am, I clicked on it before I realized I’d been caper’d. 

In case you didn’t hear, Mr. West of Florida, sent an email to Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz calling her “vile” or something, and generally exhibiting all the signs of a full-blown adult tantrum. 

Whatever, who hasn’t had one of those? It’s HOT out. He was probably cranky.  Just the other day I got to work and realized I was wearing a pair of pants that had a giant S’More stain on the butt from when I’d sat on one the week before, and I sobbed for like 3 hours.

The real intriguing part of the email, I thought, was this:

You have proven repeatedly that you are not a Lady, therefore, shall not be afforded due respect from me!

Now, I know what a “lady” is, but I’m not so sure I know what a “Lady” is. So, after extensive research (read: zero research), I’ve developed my own theories.

The “Ladies” must be some kind of secret political society of which Allen West is the leader. Naturally, it probably involves a lot of doilies. And crumpets. And silence. I'm concerned, I think.

Whatever a “Lady” is, Debbie Wasserman Schultz clearly bombed her chances of becoming one when she decided to go to work that day and disagree with Allen West on behalf of her constituents.

Which is confusing, right, because I would have thought things like “disagreeing” and “arguing on behalf of your constituents” are a big part of the modern politician’s job description. But, what I’m getting from Allen West here is that those things are ALSO major “Lady infractions” that will prevent you from obtaining “Lady status."

It’s an interesting political strategy. Presumably, the idea is that if Debbie Wasserman Schultz wants to be a Lady, then she can’t disagree with anything Allen West says, ultimately rendering her an ineffectual politician and neutralizing any threat she poses to Freedom. Boom.

Except. . .

It seems like he might be a little delusional. His ideas are kind of bad. Because unless there are some pretty major perks that come with being a Lady, other than being “afforded due respect” from Allen West, nobody is going to really care about being one. Duh. That’s just basic common sense. Right? Nobody cares about being a Lady! Why would Debbie Wasserman Schultz keep her opinions to herself and fail her constituents just to prove herself a worthy Lady, unless there was something in it for her?  

Now, maybe if Allen West had sent her an email that said “You have proven repeatedly that you are not a Lady, therefore, shall not be afforded any FREE ICE CREAM from me!” she’d work a little harder at being a Lady and stop having so many pesky opinions all the time.

Obviously silencing his female colleagues isn’t number one on his agenda, or he’d probably be using a little more brain power, and work some of these glitches out himself.

Sure enough, after doing some extensive online research (read: one Google search), it seems Allen West has other things on his mind:

We need you to come in and lock shields, and strengthen up the men who are going to the fight for you. To let these other women know, on the other side — these Planned Parenthood women, the Code Pink women, and all of these women that have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness — to let them know that we are not going to have our men become subservient. That’s what we need you to do. Because if you don’t, then the debt will continue to grow.

What the hell?

Apparently he’s been busy promoting some sort of terrifying male neutering/enslavement conspiracy in an effort to recruit a shield-wielding Lady army to do his bidding.

And with that, I’m back off politics.

This guy is obviously bananas. He’s one bad conspiracy theory away from forming a commune and passing out Kool-Aid. I’m not even sure he knows what year it is. It's pretty clear he think it's 1852 or something. 

Florida, I know a lot of you are conservative, but you do realize there are some conservatives out there who aren’t total raving lunatics, right? Why did you think this person would be able to solve ACTUAL problems? He’s inventing fake problems, like neuter-crazy liberal women problems, and trying to solve THOSE all day long!

I’m going walkabout. I'm going to try and find that anarchist from my college government class and ask him for a hug.

In the meantime, if you run across a man who tells you that you aren’t a Lady, remember to shake his hand and thank him for the compliment.

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